tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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