I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
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