We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize