He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
