I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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