do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
