Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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