Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize