dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
