We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
