I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
