Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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