I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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