4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
