mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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