I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
