I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
