Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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