i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
