well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
