She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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