You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
