He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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