sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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