I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I FOUND THE LEGS
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
