hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
