If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
