How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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