She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
