Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
