I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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