thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
