____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
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