Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
