my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
