i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
