is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
