she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
In America we eat man semen.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize