The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
