I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
foreskin is a definite game changer
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
