It's Friday. Sex?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
