we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
