You smell like a Billy Joel song
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I love you.
Bad choice
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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