I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
