It's like God shit irony all over that family
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
