my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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