On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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