woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
