Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize