the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
