Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
