Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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