My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
