I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
