My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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