Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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