I heard we made out
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
