chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
