I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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