: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
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