I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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