DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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