I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
cat food counts as protein by the way
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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