I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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