I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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