whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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