Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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