I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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