I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
